The Morning Patrol with Mastelek💪

Monkey business on the Cradle Loop

eddy cleared his throat loudly as day was breaking on Sunday.

“Mastelek,” said eddy, my Belgium bicycle, “you promised that today we would go see the clan at the caves.”

“eddy, yes… but I need some more snoozing time.”

A couple of hours later his persistence got the better of me. We loaded up & headed for the Cradle Loop.

We rolled out of Bidon & I was going through the motions automatically. eddy stayed quiet until just past the infamous statue, no salute this time, when a whole troop of vervet monkeys burst onto the road. One little beggar only just missed my front tyre. The rider behind me was yelling at them too.

“Voetsek!”

On the fence the big meneer of the troop sat with his legs wide apart, watching the spectacle. He looked smug. I felt like flipping him the bird.

When I turned to look at the guy behind me I saw he was also riding an Eddy Merckx. A red one. I moved in next to him.

“Nice red eddy,” I said, breaking the ice.

“Red for speed,” he answered, though he was pant­ing heavily & clearly joking.

“I’m struggling. Only at 25 km now & last night’s party is making itself felt.”

“Eish,” I said, the universal South African response to that particular brand of suffering.

“Where did you get your eddy?”

“Cajees. I went in to buy another bike, saw this one & fell in love.”

“I didn’t know they sold eddys!”

“No. Second-hand. Some guy’s wife flogged it after the divorce. Sold it dirt cheap just to spite him. He was heart-broken.”

“Eish,” I muttered again, but this was a more intense one. What a cold-hearted, vindictive act.

“Well, at least you now have an awesome eddy.”

“Yes. Stroke of luck. But I need to turn back. I’m suffering.”

We greeted & I cranked on towards the caves while he threw a U-turn.

eddy’s clan was there in full force. We could hear them as we crested the hill past the paddocks where the donkeys were doing donkey things. eddy was happy.

“Listen, eddy. My sister went into hospital with a diabetic shock & nearly fell into a coma. On the way to the hospital I kept having memories of the Silent Scream. Like in the painting, it’s how I saw Kath pass on.”

“Yes,” said eddy. “We lived as hunter-gatherers in larger communities than you do today. We lived & died together in large groups, all in caves. Not the isolation you live in, Mastelek, a house with just a small family. The Silent Scream was seen by us all, many times. It was the sign of the soul going to the other side of the veil. A newborn screams on this side. The ones passing back scream on the other side. They scream but we on this side don’t hear them. They are newborn to the other side.”

“Jislaaik, eddy, for a bicycle you are deep.”

“Boet, I’m not a cheeky monkey. I’m a clever one.”

We reached Mike’s van. Before I’d even unclipped, Mike asked, “Flat White?”

“Yes, & a crunchie. eddy chased me out of bed before I had anything to eat.”

There was a guy just putting his wheel back on.

“All good?” I asked.

“Yes. Puncture, but I put on my spare tube.”

“Great you’ve got one. I was saying the other day on the moon ride about the chops who don’t carry spares. They rely on good Samaritans.”

“I’m only a good Samaritan if the ones stuck on the side of the road have a nice pair of tits,” Mike piped up.

I could only shake my head. eddy was smirking. The puncture guy was also having a good chuckle.

Yes, he said, you see the guys rushing in to help.

I mounted & set off on the return loop. The sun was already heating my back. The road flashed by under eddy’s wheels. Gatorskins with Kevlar.

We came to the place where the monkeys had been. They had disappeared, but by the side of the road stood a forlorn figure with a Fuji bike propped against a road sign.

I slowed & stopped.

“Do you need help?”

“No,” she said.

“Okay.” I was about to push off when I asked, “What happened?”

“Flat wheel.”

I saw no saddle bags. Just one of those frame-mounted hand pumps.

“I tried pumping it but it’s leaking.”

“I have a spare tube,” I said. “I’ll put mine on for you.”

She looked at me, smiled, and said thank you.

Chop-chop. Rear wheel off, tube replaced, bombed it. We both mounted and continued. At the circle she said she was going to the Lion Park. I was heading back to Bidon. She waved & we went our separate ways.

Halfway up Stampede Hill, eddy chimed in.

“Nice tits.”

“Haaibo, eddy! She was in her twenties.”

“Did you get her number?”

“No.”

“Amateur.”

“Did you get the bike’s number?” I fired back.

“It’s not a Bianchi.”

I had no words.

We rolled into Bidon.

As I loaded eddy I said, “You’re sleeping on the veranda tonight.”

“Like that’s going to make a difference to me.”

He started humming some CCR.

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